Not actually dead!

Hello, allies. I apologize for being out of touch for a while - and let me tell you, you all were AWESOME with checking in on me. Even if I didn't respond, please know that your texts, Facebook messages, gchat messages, visits, and phone calls meant a lot to me.

The last two weeks have been very challenging. I feel like I'm back like I was last March - my face is swollen, I can barely eat because the swelling prevents me from opening my mouth very much, I hurt, I'm exhausted and generally don't feel well. Last week I felt very isolated, as Matt was out of town, which you all helped with beyond measure. This week, it's just been the illness and exhaustion. Monday I had a biopsy done on my right mandible. Today I went back to the surgeon as my face still looks like I have a golf ball stuck in my cheek and it's incredibly painful to touch - even putting the ice packs on it hurts. He said that this was to be expected, as the biopsy was pretty invasive, and no cultures were back yet. I meet with him next week to discuss further surgery, and meanwhile, I'm on a lot of Vicodin.

I have not gone into work at all this week, and will not likely go in tomorrow. This is a big struggle for me: To accept that it is alright for me to take time to heal. The logical part of my brain knows that my workplace wants me to get better, and to do what is necessary to achieve that. That my job is protected, even beyond the legal requirements of FMLA. But there's a part of me - we'll call it the ridiculous masochistic crackheaded part - that doesn't feel I'm ever sick enough to stay home. I argue with myself constantly over this, because I always feel like I should just suck it up and go in, that I'm not dying, that I'm not even as sick as other people I know. I have illogical fears that my boss is mad at me, that my coworkers think I'm taking advantage of FMLA or being lazy. I have fears that I actually AM lazy, and that a better person would just go in to work. I feel like I'm exaggerating my illness and injuries because I'm not actually on death's doorstep. I truly cannot explain how hard this is for me to accept, and the guilt and anxiety I battle with when I do stay home.

This is a monster that I have struggled with long before I ever became ill, and one of the hardest for me to battle. I can handle the pain, the vomiting, the exhaustion, the swelling, the anxiety, the pain, the pain, the pain, but for some reason I cannot handle allowing myself to rest.

I ask for reassurance on this ad nauseam, probably to the irritation of Matt and other friends, but it's because it is incredibly difficult for me to give myself permission to stay home. For this reason, I truly appreciate all the times you all have reassured me, even if you wanted to smack me at the same time.

I'm giving myself a mission of updating this blog in the next few days: getting my daily activities for the last couple weeks compiled, acknowledging ally achievements, updating the achievements and missions logs under Game Basics, things like that. I'm also giving myself a mission to reply to all of you who contacted me. You held up your end, now it's time for me to hold up mine.

I do have a few proud moments to share though. I've been sleeping for 2-3 hours after coming home from work, then getting up for a couple hours before going back to sleep for 10-12 hours a night. I apparently need the sleep to heal, and I have not felt like doing much. Last week, though, I managed to do a short yoga routine and the energy workings taught to me by John (The Medium), as well as take the dog for a 30-minute walk. On Wednesday, despite my swelling and pain, I walked for over an hour with Jamie (The Armorer)! I was really proud of myself, as this was a huge accomplishment for me in light of my current state of exhaustion. Also, I think it was spurred on by the fact that Jamie and I would walk to New Mexico if you let us - once we get to walking and talking, we just don't stop, haha.

I wanted to get a bunch more stuff up here tonight, but I'm going to take satisfaction in what I DID achieve, give myself permission to rest, and work on getting the other postings and responses up over the next few days. I just wanted to acknowledge you all, because truly, this game is helping me to keep going, to not feel so alone, to draw strength when I thought I had none left. Please know that all your efforts are deeply appreciated, even when I don't respond. :)